Far Away From Home

(Photo by Vanessa Sig)

In certain stages of our life, we make hefty decisions such as picking the right profession, dumping a relationship, where you live, who do you marry, resigning a good job, having a child or not, and many others. Few of them are of my age’s concern. Yet, having been around for two decades, I have gone through similar experiences of my average age. As we mature, we learn to consider for externalities when we make a decision. One of these decisions that bother us is whether or not to pursue our dream or not.

Strange. Why would anyone not pursue after his own heart?

There are times when we work towards something seemingly hopeless, and sometimes ultimately doomed. At this time, your parents, friends and mate toss at you their disagreements with phrases such as “Stupid!” and the deadly “Be mature and realistic”, unless you succeeded. With such a supportive group and people whose total knowledge and lifespan exceeds that of you, and presumbly with good will, how could you go against them and not defy your heart?

The platitude is that you should never give up. However, we do not live in the pleasure of idealogy. Which then, the reality follows : If many of our loved ones warns us to withdraw, we best take heed. Gotcha! Now you have just gone against your heart. But what if you truly desires it from the roots of your heart? You will then regret over not having done it. Worse, you found out that you should have done it. You come back to the same decision a decade later, and realized you stagnated a decade. Now the guilt comes to haunt you. Not them. Yup. The guilt haunts YOU, not those who convinced you to go astray the path.

How long will the guilt haunt you? Depends, maybe not for life, but it is already painful if the guilt haunts you for half a decade. Now, if picking a profession is quite a difficult thing for non-mainstream choices such as being a software developer in Hong Kong, or be a Biochemist in Macau, or want to work as an author, or be frank and admit to your sexual orientation, and many others. You really have strong reasons to not follow your heart. But if they turn out to be your heart truest call, this can haunt you for ages.

The following is a boring story about me. When I made the decision to come to Shanghai, I effectively and consciously gave up a lot of things I concern in Hong Kong and Macau. It was not just the salary that was significantly different, but think about the guilt that you cannot look after your sick mother, or unable to participate in your friends event, as well as leaving your mate, and living alone sometimes questioning in despair, and much more. Even until this moment, I am still on my journey to pursue my dream - a desire that sprouted deep inside my heart - but it can end up in disaster or just wrong. Security, and computers, and it is just not the best place in Hong Kong, and I cruelly made a decision. Banks fire administrators and programmers only to leave their banks for hackers to take advantage. True, I can still get a life in Hong Kong, but it is just not the right place to start. Hong Kong is a large city. Unfortunately, it is not tailored for information security. Now I am in Shanghai, because I am after my heart’s calling, I do not cry at the Sunday nights prior to work. You might have heard work must be boring, but I discovered in my life otherwise it is quite worth anticipating. After one year, I discovered another team which I should have been in is actually much more fruitful in career development, and I am sure I am almost considered stupid and foolish to join a team that bears dimmer future, relatively. However, I know in some sense that getting promoted quicker in that team will just bring upon another detour of a year or two, and which will just bring me back to the security team I am in now - the starting position I was in a year ago. Note, I am not satisfied yet.

“Be mature” is a very severely abused term the people around us placed upon us to coerce us to do things they see unfit, much as critics phrasing “how unprofessional” to experts but without substantial and concrete evidence. The people around teach us to be “mature” to not be selfish and not “act just in your own best interests”. Yet, in some case, I believe we should be solely responsible for our own life. We cannot just live up to what others expect of us.

It is true that externalities must be considered, such as divorcing and hence neglecting your kids. At some stage, you will be tied with so much weight that you can no longer move freely. If you know that you cannot walk on your own legs six months later, what will you do? It is highly unlikely you will experience a miracle, but you might. However, for me, I assume no miracles, and I will walk as much as I want to before I cannot. I do not want to cry in my wheelchair moaning : I should have walked much more frantically before I cannot walk.

“If you suddenly found yourself living as an ape, you could accept the life of an ape and devote yourself to eating bananas all day and try to be a good ape, or you could attempt to become more than an ape and evolve into a human. Once you did that, all your ape goals and accomplishments would seem utterly meaningless compared to your new human capabilities.” If you feel wrong to be an ape, get a change.

If you believe you do not deserve crying in your laps, once in a while questioning whether or not you are doing the right thing, you should bear in mind you should follow what your heart desires. Did you wonder why you must live upon the judgement of the others, and feel so unhappy when the others do not approve of you, and thus making your day? If you want to get rid of such harsh feelings, get out of the path others have set for you.

Live a life after your own heart.

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Man in Central - 創意大爆炸

Steven Pavlina - The Meaning of Life: How Shall We Live?